this is me trying to be brave.

i'm sitting here in my room on the floor with no lights on, heater next to my legs and 'an horse' playing in my stereo.
i seem to think i have reached a new stage of 'devo' and i cant even justify it.
it seems to be whenever i get (and i use the term loosly) roasted/ruined/smashed (eh you get the picture) then i start thinking. thinking about life and the pointlessness of it all. the fucked up people in the world 99% of whom i dislike with a passion and i havent even met them yet. and when i start thinking i never stop. all my thoughts stay in my mind and i think that my mind has finally reached capacity.
i haven't been taking my meds for a few months, stopped seeing my gp when i was supposed to get a blood test to see how much more damage i have done to my body and told my psychologist id call her in a few days and re-schedual our appointment. 3 months later and i never called - i wonder if she ever thinks of me? i did make quite the impression. the girl who wants to escape this hell of a life so badly but just cant because my morals and conscience is THAT strong i couldn't live with hurting myself (not a play on words :|)
so why did i stop the drugs (perscription... yet abused) and the 'professional' help? because none of it was working.
talking about your problems doesnt help- ill give you the heads up. it makes them worse because you just realise how much more fucked up you really are.
whenever i would see my shrink (what a word) i could already predict her answers to my problems... because im not a dumb bitch - i no how i could feel better. if i take my insulin my mood in general will improve so much because i will feel good physically not like the current where i am constantly drained, dehydrated etc. (thank you diabetes) if i took my meds then that would help too i guess and if i changed my stubborn mindset about the shit world then im pretty sure i could be happy.
i think i dont want to be happy.
i have had this feeling for a few years that im going to die really soon. actually i thought it would be before the hsc... but that didnt end up happening (no shit) so im still convinced it will be soon. i have no motivation for the future because of this. i wanted (note the 'ed' on the end of this word) so badly to be an actress. now i dont even care. and im actually so good at it. it sucks. i ruined my year last year studying acting.. there's a regret for you. my mind was so fucked i couldnt focus or gain any motivation.
man im getting teary writing about this if that is any indicator of the passion i have locked up inside of me that i cant seem to project.
i have no prospect of the future. i dont care for getting married and having a family anymore because why do we have to follow the crowd? i dont want a man to be the thing to bring me out of this hole ive dug for myself. i really dont.
back to diabetes for a moment - pretty sure i am never going to take my required dosage. its fact. i am slowly killing myself and this is the only way i can justify it.
i want to forget that i have it.
it wont be suicide if i die from diabetes. will it?

there is so much i could write here.
epically devo blog and all.
i dont even want to post this and look like a massive emo looking for attention - because what if subconciously that is what im trying to do? i love drama but i dont want to be a drama queen. i am a drama queen. its who i am.
no one can say anything to save me.
ive worked that out by now.
i just want someone to understand.